Wednesday, June 27, 2012

L&L's First Ever Lyric Writing Contest

I went out to my 4Runner this morning and turned the key.  The engine reared up like it was about to explode.  I threw up my hands.  I looked around the dash.  I scrambled to turn it off before the car and I went up in a ball of flames.

I got out.  I looked under the running board.  Like I knew what was going on down there.  I turned the key again and it sounded the same.  I called my father-in-law.  We agreed it had to be the exhaust system, but I'd just had that replaced.  Maybe something had popped loose?  I tried it again.  A woman sauntered over from the Catholic school across the street.

"Someone stole your catalytic converter, eh?"

"I don't know," I said.  "Did they?"

"Yup.  They crawl right under there and cut it out.  They can sell it for about a hundred bucks.  Happened to me last year.  You can see it if you look."

Well, fuck.  I relayed all of this to my father-in-law who quickly called his usual automotive consultant.  My father-in-law called me back with a plan to try to buy an aftermarket replacement.  His consultant said it would cost a quarter of the price.

Now I know I need to call my insurance, and I need to call a few shops to try to find the best price on a replacement, but FIRST I had to get on here and blog about this and let everyone know that I'm writing a song about my stolen catalytic converter and would like YOUR help with the lyrics.

This is the first ever lyric writing contest sponsored by Logomancers & Logodaedalists, and aside from the bragging rights associated with being a pioneer, you will also receive a citation when the song is published on this blog and up to $100,000 cash depending on my assessment of of the value of your contribution.

Please feel free to leave your lyrics in the comments below or email them to me at  You can also contribute your lyrics by contacting me on TwitterFacebook, or LinkedIn.  Contributors with automotive expertise and wonky imaginations are especially invited to submit.  *Submissions are now CLOSED.  Winners will be posted next week along with a literary analysis by one of L&L's resident experts.


  1. Wake up in the morning, greet the day with bliss
    Try to be a better man, strive to be a catalyst
    But I give up before I start, my car is in paralysis
    Because my catalytic converter was stole' by some assclown human cyst.

    Sucks to the assclowns who stole it
    Sucks to the assclowns who stole it
    You can help me move my car but we're gonna have to roll it.
    Oh, sucks to the assclowns who stole it.

    Leaving behind the past, concentrating on my new version
    Learning from mistakes, avoiding old diversions
    But it's hard to keep a-moving on when transit is a burden
    Can't believe some suck-ass clowns stole my catalytic conversion.


    Buddah says to let yourself go, be an uncarved stone
    A lotus leaf on water, a cloud without a home
    But my emissions are toxic, and I'm fuming like a stack
    My catcon was stolen by some suckass clowns and it ain't coming back.


    Like a bear in a truck on a train in a cave on a mic on a PA set to ten all up in your ear. Unpleasant to hear.
    Stolen to be melted down, by an obnoxious two-bit suckass clown... but baby, don't frown.


    1. Totally Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be very hard to top. Well done, sir. Well done.

  2. Her chrome is still shiny.
    Her paint is still bright.
    But underneath her beauty,
    Something isn't right.

    Swore I would love her.
    Swore I'd never hurt her.
    But then I went and stole
    Her catalytic converter.

    Chorus 1:
    Yes, I stole the catalytic converter to her heart.
    Before she could make me a spare part.
    I melted it down with our wedding rings.
    Got a hundred dollars and a thousand knocks and pings.

    Used to rev her up,
    Get her running good.
    I was always tinkerin'
    Under her hood.

    Wanted to love her.
    Wanted to pervert her.
    Never thought I'd stoop so low
    As her catalytic converter.

    Chorus 2:
    Yes, I stole the catalytic converter to her heart.
    So, gentlemen, her engines will not start.
    Turn your key, you'll just hear the roar
    Of an old wreck that don't love me any more.

    1. Also amazing! This made me laugh several times. "Wanted to pervert her" is sublime. Good, great, wonderful work.

    2. Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!

  3. This song is best for polka music:

    Catalytic converter
    what the hell is this crap?
    You think that I should sing and dance
    and wear your monkey hat?

    I want to go play ping pong.
    They took my paddles away
    because I tried to smash the ball
    into this man's eyeball
    until he screamed out,
    "Oh, that really hurts!
    Lars, you son of a bitch,
    that really hurts!"

    Well then you don't try
    to cheat no more
    do you, mister cheater?

    Catalytic converter
    is not a friend of mine
    I'd like to find the perpetrators
    who did this to my cousin
    and maybe stick
    them with my blade of fury

    Why would someone
    steal this catalytic converter?
    This makes me want
    to go crazy.
    My cousin does not deserve to
    be stolen from
    only because he writes
    his terrible blog
    which makes people stupider
    because maybe they will
    think more about their lives
    and this thinking is probably
    their whole problem anyway

    But still I love my cousin
    so much it breaks
    my brain
    and pours it into my heart
    which makes my heart like a bowl
    for my soup brain
    even though I hate him
    when I think he hates me
    and all of this
    at the same time

    Did I win?

  4. Roaring like a GTO
    (Use Danzig Voice)

    We have a shameful admission
    There's a secret we share
    My 4-Runner has toxic emissions
    And we're doing bad things to the air

    -- Chorus --
    Now we drive and we drive
    Never felt so alive
    We ride slow (owow)
    Roaring like a GTO

    One night as she slept outside
    Something was taken from her (erer)
    Under her sleek backside
    There's no catalytic converter


    The neighbors ears are pained
    At night when I turn her over
    Her exhaust is unrestrained
    Hydrocarbon indecent exposure

    '80's drum breakdown...


    And we drive and we drive and we drive
    Never felt so alive
    We ride slowowow
    Roaring like a GTO
    Whoa whoa whoa
    Roaring like a GTO
    Roaring like a GTOooooo!

    1. Wow. Now that is really well done. A genre-busting, mind-bending, head-banging tour de force. My hands may be locked into the sign of the horns for the rest of the day.